A very pregnant New Year

I’ve never been so happy to see the back  of the holiday season. Note to people planning pregnancies: try to avoid a timeline that will have you in the 1st trimester from Thanksgiving through New Years. 

I’m looking forward to leaving the 1st trimester behind in a week ( I hope it takes the vomitting with it, bc the Zofran certainly hasn’t) just in time to face the grossness of turning 30…without the benefit of alcohol. But hey, I can’t complain too much, because I’m lucky to have this girl with me to go through almost everything pregnancy moment with me (including having to turn 30 without a drink) 

  
I hope you all have as much to look forward to in 2016 as we do. 1st being getting our 1st peak at Baby W in 2 weeks. 

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Hello 8 Weeks

I intended to make this a once a week thing. I also intended to have a normal experience with morning sickness. Unfortunately, I am having a near repeat of our first pregnancy. Five years before Kate Middleton made it the new trendy pregnancy diagnosis I was flat on my back with HG. I also ended up hospitalized for a week & a half which I have thus far managed to avoid (just barely) I was treated with dose after dose of Zofran last time, a drug which is now facing a huge class action law suit btw. It’s unlikely it caused our miscarriage, but it’s still made me terrified to complain and do anything but force feed myself liquids at home.

A good day is keeping those liquids down and putting pants on. I can sometimes eek out a good half hour in the morning and a good half hour in the evening. You’re catching me in one of those now. I can hope and pray I get some relief sometime in my second trimester, but for now I am just fighting the urge to chuck my phone against the wall every time I wake up to my daily pregnancy app update that cheerily urges me to hang on for “just a few more weeks”¬† if “I am still feeling nauseous”

I’ll try to be more cheerful next time guys.

Memory

November 10, 2015. The day my husband & I were celebrating 1 month of marriage. The day would end with a far more momentous event. I was pregnant.

Peeking at my Kindara app, I realized I was late. A whole, 24 hours late. I went back and forth for hours. Should I test today? Should I wait a couple of more days, knowing a false negative would crush me? My impatience got the best of me. I dug out the tests my best friend gave me a few days before. They were left over from her own happy moment. The day she discovered her son was coming. I hoped they would bring me such luck.

A mere 60 seconds later, they did. I am pregnant.

You may be confused as to my lack of effusion. Was this baby unexpected? Are you disappointed? What is holding you back?

The answer to that is my memory. My memories from seven years ago.

Seven years ago, almost to the day, my husband (then boyfriend) and I found out that I was pregnant. We were so young and so unprepared. We were so excited. Our families were excited. No one held back on the joyous news.

And then I remember. I remember being scheduled for our first ultrasound in January at 11 weeks. I remember happily chatting¬† about baby names on the way to the appointment. Adam Cole, Jr. for a boy?¬† Samantha for a girl? I remember walking into the tiny little room lit mostly by the light of the ultrasound screen. I remember being so full of hope. I remember the tech having to use “that” wand rather than the belly one (ugh) I remember her going quiet and going to fetch my OB. I do not remember my OB’s exact words. everything seemed to slow down and go silent. I do remember seeing my baby clearly on the screen. I remember the baby measured 11 weeks 1 day. I remember there was no heartbeat.

We lost our first baby, but they have never left me. I still have dreams about them (It is always a little boy). We lost our first baby, but I still carry them with me. Everyday. We lost our first baby and it is coloring our experience of carrying our second.

I was told it happens (25% of the time) I was told it was for the best. I was told there was nothing physically wrong with me. I was told nothing was stopping me from carrying as many healthy babies as I wished to have. I was not told that my memories from miscarriage would dog every step of my next pregnancy. They do. But I am hoping the sharing of them and the journey we are now on will help lessen their sharpness.

I never want to, nor will I, ever forget the baby we lost. But I cannot let the memories of our first steal any of the joy from the memories of our second.

So here goes. We’re Pregnant!!!!